Wow, time flies! We've been married for 1 year and 9 months! Last I wrote, Shane was leaving for COTA. He has been working for the Arizona Department of Corrections (ASPC-Lewis here in Buckeye) a year now. The pay is not as good as we expected but we're happy. In fact, we bought a house last August! Poppy's Home Decor finally went under this January and I've been job hunting since then...no luck yet but I have my eye on a store that's opening up any day now. I'm not in school right now. We can't afford it. Shane doesn't make enough to pay for it but he makes too much to get financial aid. Kinda funny. Anyway, this is going to be short. Shane and I are gonna go for a ride and get a soda pop.

Myspace Survey...Tell All!

--Info--
Name:: Lindsey
Nicknames:: Lins
Birthplace:: Portland, OR
Current Location:: Buckeye, AZ
Hair Color:: Blonde/light brown with highlights
Eye Color:: Brown
Height:: 5'1"
Weight:: 103 lbs
Tatoos?:: None
Piercings?:: One in each ear
Overused Phrase:: "That's funny"
--Your--
Bedtime:: Usually by 3 a.m.
Best Physical Feature:: Probably my eyes
Most Embarassing Moment:: When a 300 lb lady asked me to help her zip up her pants
Most Missed Memory:: Living with my grandma, Nan
First Thought When You Wake Up:: "15 more mins"
Weakness:: I worry a lot
Best Friends:: Shane, Kim, Brittany
Goal For The Year:: Have a good first year of marriage
Greatest Fears:: Not having enough money
--This Or That--
Pepsi or Coke...: Diet Coke or Cherry Coke
McDonalds or Burger King...: McDonalds
Hot Tea or Ice Tea...: Don't drink tea
Chocolate or Vanilla...: Chocolate for sure
Water or Milk...: Water
Coffee or Hot Chocolate...: Hot chocolate
Hugs or Kisses...: Oh man that's hard...I don't think I can choose
Cats or Dogs...: Dogs
Summer or Winter...: Winter
Scary Movies or Romantic Comedies...: Romantic comedies, can't stand scary stuff
Love or Money...: Love
Green Grapes or Purple Grapes...: Purple
--Lover--
Perferred Eye Color:: Blue
Perferred Hair Color:: Blonde
Short Hair or Long Hair...: Short
Perferred Height:: 6'1"
Perferred Weight:: 195-220 lbs
Looks or Personality...: Shane's got both
Hot or Cute...: Both
Skinny...Muscular...or Fat...: He's got muscle but his stomach is soft lol
--Favs--
Number:: 3
Food:: Kraft Mac n' Cheese
Type of Music:: Country, piano solos, rap
Candy:: Snickers, Rolos
Color:: Blue
Animal:: Horse
Drink:: Water or gatorade
Body Part on the Opposite Sex:: Eyes or smile
Movie:: Top Gun
Past Time:: RELAXING
--Have You Ever--
Drank?: Yes
Smoked?: Yes
Been Beaten Up?: No
Bullied Someone?: Haha are you kidding?
Skinny Dipped?: No
Played Spin The Bottle or 7 Minutes In Heaven?: No
Toliet Papered Someones House?: Yes
Played Poker W/ Money?: No
Gone Swimming In A White T-Shirt?: No
Been Tickled So Bad That You Cried?: More than once
Been Tickled So Bad That You Couldnt Talk?: Yes
Like Someone And Not Tell Them How You Felt?: More than once
Went Camping?: Back in the day
Used The Restroom On A Tree?: Not on a tree but near one
Had A Crush On Your Brother/Sister's Friend?: No
Had A Crush On Your Friend's Brother/Sister?: Yes
Walked In The Rain W/out An Umbrella?: A lot of times
Danced In The Rain?: No
Told A Joke And Nobody Thought It was Funny?: Yes
Been On Stage?: Yes
Worn Clothes Your Mom Didnt Approve Of?: Yes
Been To A Nude Beach?: No
Cursed In Church?: No
Been Called A Whore/Slut For Kissing Someone?: Back in like 6th or 7th grade
Burnt Yourself?: Yes
Been Dumped?: Yes
Dumped Someone?: Yes
Been In Love?: Yes
Been Hit On Someone To Old?: Yes
Wanted To Be A Model?: Sure I won't lie
Wanted To Be In The Olmpics?: No
Bought Lottery Tickets?: No
Made Out In A Car?: Yes
Cried During A Movie?: Omg the notebook and the guardian...
Wanted Something You Couldnt Have?: Yes
Made Love On The Beach?: Uh no
Shoplifted?: No
Seen Someone Shoplift?: No
Hung Up On Someone?: I hung up on Brandon a lot
Yelled At Your Pet?: No
Gotten Seasick?: No
Tried To Strip When Drunk?: No
Bought A Thong Cuz The Casier Was Hot?: No
Stalked Someone?: No
Had A Stalker?: No
Played A Prank On Someone And Scared Them?: No
Been Embarrassed By Someone In Your Family?: Yes
Felt Bad About Eating Meat?: Never
Protested?: No
Been To An Island?: No
Ate Cuz You Had Nothing Better To Do?: All the time
Screamed In A Library?: No
Made Out W/ A Stranger?: Hahaha...
Made Out W/ Someone Who Wasnt Single?: No
Wished A Part Of You Was Different?: Yes
Talked To A Complete Stranger?: Yes
Been Sunburned So Bad You Blistered?: No
Kicked A Guy In The Nuts?: No
Threw Up In School?: Yes
Recieved A Love Letter That Wasnt Signed?: No
Wore Something You Hated?: Yes
Wore Something To Match Someone?: No
Been To A Luau?: No
Cursed Infront Of Your Parents?: Yes
Been On TV?: My soccer team was on the news once
Been Outta The Country?: Yes
Been Honked At While Walking Down The Sidewalk?: Yes
Won A Pool Game?: No
Went To A Party Where You Were The Only Sober One?: No
Went To School/ Work Drunk?: No
Dieted?: No
Had An Eating Disorder?: No
Cheated On Your Other?: No
Been Cheated On?: No
Been Paid To Date Someone?: No
Dated Someone That Was Paid or Dared To Date You?: No
Tanned Topless?: Yes
Been Strip Searched?: No
Been On A Plane?: Yes
Been On A Cruise?: No
Been Pantsed In Public?: No
Thrown Your Shoe At Someone?: Yes
Broke Someone's Heart?: Yes
Sung In The Shower?: Yes
Bought Something Way To Expensive?: YES
Done Something Stupid And Laughed At Yourself?: Every day
Been Walked In On While You Were Dressing?: Yeah
Been Walked In On While Showering?: No
Ran Out Of A Movie Theater Cuz You Got Scared?: Yeah
Been Kicked Out Of A Mall/ Store?: No
Been Kicked Out Of A GoCart Place Cuz You Wrecked The Go Cart?: No
Been In Detention?: Yes
Feel Off A Roof?: No
Pretended You Were Scared So You Could Cuddle W/ Someone?: Yes
Been In A Wreck?: No
Wrecked So You Wouldnt Hit An Animal?: No
Made Yourself Puck So You Wouldnt Have To Go To School?: No
Threatened Someone W/ A Water Gun?: Yes
Been Shot?: No
Had A Water Gun War?: Yes
Been Arrested?: No
--Randoms--
Regret Something You Did In The Past?: Yes
Country You Wanna Visit:: The Bahamas or something
Way You Wanna Die:: In my sleep...just like everyone else...
Like Thunderstorms?: Yeah unless I'm by myself
Get Along W/ Your Parents?: Yes now that I don't live with them
R U A Health Freak?: Kinda but not really
U Think Ur Attractive?: Sometimes
Do You Believe In Yourself?: Sure
Wanna Get Married?: I am getting married
Wanna Go To College?: I am going to college
Shower Daily?: Yes
Want Kids?: Sure
When Do U Wanna Lose Your Virginity?: September 15
Do U Hate Anyone?: I strongly dislike someone
Can You Unwrap A Starburst W/ Your Tongue?: No
Do You Think You Can Sing?: No way
Can You Open You Eyes Underwater?: Yeah
Eat Whatever And Not Worry?: Most of the time
Can You Whistle?: Not really
Can You Walk In High Heels?: Yeah
Do You Sleep W/ The Light On?: The TV
Do You Like Super Spicy Foods?: No
Can You Multitask?: Kinda
Touch Your Nose W/ Your Tongue?: No
Can You Fit In Your Locker?: Just about
Do You Spit?: No
Can You Taste The Difference Between Pepsi And Coke?: Yes
If You Could Wish 4 Anything...What Would You Wish?: I can't tell you
What Kind Of Perfume Or Colone Do You Wear?: The Island
What Kind Of Soap Do You Use?: Dial
What's Your Favorite Scent?: Whatever Shane wears, either that or the smell of rain
Would You Choose To Live Forever If You Could?: No

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Current Mood: tired

Ever since I told Brandon that I didn't want to talk to him anymore, I've felt...better AND worse.  Better because I don't have to worry about talking to him and getting into any more fights.  Worse because, well, it's over.  Three years and it's finally over.  The ending was a lot more bitter, a lot more hateful than I thought it would be.  It just makes me sad.  I mean, I can't figure out what caused this.  Jacob played me a song on Friday night called "Men & Mascara."  It wasn't meant to make me cry, but it did.  One verse goes: "Did I give my love too soon or wait too long?  Did I take it a little too easy or put it on too strong?"  It just makes me think.  I never, ever wanted Brandon to go from being my whole world to being someone that I couldn't even stand to be in the same room with.  I still miss certain things about him.

Gah, my cousin is on the phone. I'll write more later.

More on Brandon.  Sorry, but I have to!  It's practically all I think about these days.

Earlier in the week, I had told him that I wanted to hang out with him before my trip (I'm flying to Oregon for two weeks on Thursday).  He said ok.  I told him that Friday (the 16th) would be best for me because my parents were heading to Laughlin for a few days starting Saturday (yesterday) and that I would be stuck baby-sitting my sister after that.  He warned me that he might be working late on Friday, but that he would call me when he was done and we'd see if it was going to be too late to do anything.

He called me about 6:00 Friday evening.  Said he was done working.  I was like, "Cool!  Does this mean we can hang out tonight?"  He said no.  No?   Why not?!  He said that he just didn't feel like hanging out with me today.  Simple as that.  He wanted to go to this party at the church building tonight instead.  I was pissed.  I mean, was I wrong to be mad?  I asked him why it seemed like he never wanted to do anything with me anymore, why he always acted like he had better things to do or other people to hang out with.  I told him that it wasn't fair.  I mean, I had waited all day for the chance to hang out with him -- and now, he was telling me that he straight-up didn't want to hang out.  That he wanted to go be with other people instead!

His response to all of this was: "YOU FUCKING DUMBASS.  YOU DON'T GET IT.  I JUST DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU.  YOU BETTER NOT GO TO THAT PARTY, TOO, BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST GOING TO DRAG ME DOWN AND RUIN MY NIGHT.  IF YOU DO GO, STAY AWAY FROM ME.  I'LL IGNORE YOU.  DUMBASS, I HATE YOUR GUTS."  At which point I hung up and started crying.

About half an hour later, I was sitting in my car, still sniffling a little, when my phone rang.  It was Brandon.  I answered, which was probably a big mistake because I was still so livid from earlier that I couldn't resist tearing him a new one.  He apologized, to which I simply said, "Ok."  That didn't go over well.  What, was I supposed to forgive him on the spot and pretend like he never called me names and said that he hated me?  He told me that I should come to the church party.  I said: "What, so you can hang out with me for five minutes before ditching me for all your other friends?  No, thanks.  You go have fun."  After that, he got mad all over again and started to yell (so much for his apology!) and then he said: "GOODBYE!" except I was the one who hung up.

Affter that, I was pissed.  I put my head down and just sobbed and sobbed for I don't know how long.  Until I thought I was going to throw up.  Then I started my car and drove towards home (I had been in my work's parking lot this whole time).  I tried calling Melanie, my best friend, but she didn't answer.  I called my friend Derek but hung up after one ring because I realized that he isn't the best person to tell this sort of stuff to.  Then I thought of Jacob, my best friend's older brother.  For a while he thought I had a crush on him and had been avoiding me, so I was reluctant to call.  But I did anyway.  Our conversation went something like this:

Me: Are you at work?

Jacob: Yeah, why?  What's wrong?

Me:  Nothing.  I just need someone to talk to.

Jacob: Ok.  Did something happen with Dave (my step-dad)?

Me: No.  It's Brandon.

Jacob:  Did you guys have a blow-out?

Me: Yeah.  And Brittany told me you asked her if I had a crush on you, and that you sounded worried.  I don't.  You're just a good friend.  I just don't want you to start avoiding me because you think I like you.

Jacob: Wow, that's not even what happened.  Just come on down to the yard.

So I did.  And I cried for the first hour I was there and he just listened and talked while he worked on a truck.  Like everyone else, he always thought that Brandon was such a sweet and innocent guy.  Never thought he would actually call a girl "fucking dumbass" and things like that.  Then again, Jacob said, Brandon's dad is the same way.  And the apple never falls far from the tree.  

I told Jacob how Brandon and I had tried being friends after the break up, but after having a relationship for almost three years it was really hard to be anything else.  I don't know why, but we didn't know how to be nice to each other.  Then he just started ignoring me and telling me not to show up to church activities because it would "ruin his fun and drag him down."

I stayed at the yard with Jacob until one or two in the morning.  He confessed to me that he tells me things that he doesn't tell anyone else.  I told him that he was one of my best friends.  We laughed because we kind of hated each other in the beginning (when we first met a year or so ago) -- how we'd skipped the whole "Let's be nice because we don't know each other very well" stage of most friendships and jumped right into the "Ok, ok, I know we're both sarcastic assholes so let's just make fun of each other all the time" stage.  It's nice.

I went home that night feeling better but worse, knowing that Saturday Brandon would be in to work (he quit working full-time at Poppy's but comes back on Saturdays).  I prayed and prayed that I would have help avoiding him, as I honestly did not want to see or talk to him after everything -- including everything that had gone on before our blow-out that night.  I got to work the next morning and guess what?  Brandon never showed!  It was crazy!

However, he called about one or two and I stepped outside to answer the call.  For some odd reason, his voice sounded all buddy-buddy and he called me by my nickname, saying, "Hey, fishy, what's up?  I've been trying to call you all morning!"

Me:  Um, I've been working, like I do every Saturday.

Brandon: I know, I know.  Why didn't you answer?  I thought you were mad at me!

Me: My phone never rang (because it didn't -- probably becaus he's a lying POS who never actually called).

Brandon: Well, I called!

Me:  Where are you?

Brandon: I had to work my other job this morning.

Me: Ok.  Why are you calling me?

Brandon: Just to see what's up!

Me: I'm working.

Then Brandon started getting mad because I wasn't sharing his same "happy-go-lucky, buddy-buddy voice."  Rather, I sounded just as pissed as I did the night before.

Me: Did you have fun at your party last night?

Brandon: Yeah!

Me: Me, too.

Brandon:  Why, where did you go?  (Spoken with surprise, like he honestly expected me to just sit at home by myself and cry while he had fun.)

Me: I hung out with Jacob all night.  We ate dinner, talked, and raced our cars on the way home.

Brandon:  ...Oh.  When did you get home?

Me: One or two.  Look, this is ridiculous.  You and me.  We obviously can't be boyfriend and girlfriend, and we obviously can't be friends, so I think it's time to just go our seperate ways.  You've made it very clear by your actions that you don't need me for anything.  You don't even want to hang out with me anymore, unless it's when YOU feel like it.

Brandon: That's not true!  You don't get it!

Me: So let's just stop talking, stop calling each other -- so don't call me anymore, ok?  We can just pretend like nothing ever happened between us.  You're already an expert at doing THAT.

Brandon: Shut up.  I just don't want you go tell all your friends lies about me.

Me: What, like you calling me names like dumbass and dillhole and bitch?

Brandon: I never said anything of those things!

Me: Riiiiight.

Brandon: Fine, believe whatever you want to!

Me: YOU always do.

Brandon: Whatever.

Me: Look, we're done, ok?  You're already over me and I'm getting over you more and more every day, so let's just go.

Brandon: I'm not over you -- and I don't want you to go like this while still hating my guts because then you will tell everyone we know that I'm a horrible person!  Then they'll come up to me and I'll have to tell them the truth --

Me: The truth about me?  What a bitch I am?  Tell them whatever you want!  I don't care!  And it's nice to know that you're only worried about saving your own ass!  You just don't want your new friends to think that you're a jerk to girls!  Nice to know that you actually care about ME!

Brandon: I DO care about you, dumbass!  You just don't get it!

Me: Then explain it!

Brandon:  Forget it.  Just go.  Goodbye.

Me: Are you going to call me before my trip, to say goodbye? (At this point, I don't know why, but I started to get a little bit desperate.  Like I still wanted to hang on for a second.)

Brandon: No.

Me: Ok.

Brandon: Ok.

Then I hung up and cried for a minute before going back to work.

Current Mood: cranky

Forgot I had a livejournal.

I'm glad I remembered, though, because I desperately need a place to write about my goings-on with Brandon.  Maybe writing down my thoughts will help me figure out how I really feel.  Right now, things are just so jumbled up in my head.  It's frustrating.

First of all, we broke up.  About a month ago, I realized that I could do so much better than him.  It was something that I had known for a while.  All of my friends had tried telling me, and my parents and even my friends' parents...but I just didn't want to listen.  He was my everything; my best friend.  I couldn't go more than a day or two without seeing him in person, and talking on the phone or texting was a must.  I could not be swayed....

Until the day I was sitting beside him in his car.  We were driving to yet another movie (that's all we usually did on our dates) and I was telling him all about my day and the funny things that had happened, and all he said was "Oh" or "Ok" or "Cool."  Like he wasn't paying attention or didn't really care.  Then he talked for a little bit about his car (he always does) and then his job, and then he fell silent.  I realized then just how often things like this happened.  Talking to him was like talking to a brick wall: he didn't really have a lot to say.  

That, and he had a sixth grade education and wasn't making any progress towards his mission.  My advice on GED class and mission papers made him think that I thought I was better than him, and thus we argued.  He attended GED class for a few weeks and then dropped out.

We broke up because I thought it would be for the best.  He was over me by the next day.  Here I am, a month later, still sobbing my eyes out at night.  Why?  I wanted this.  I guess I just miss the way we were in the beginning--so innocent, with still so much to learn about each other.  I miss having someone so close to me, someone who knows my mind and loves me.  For a while, everything reminded me of him and the things that we used to do together.  Even Wal-Mart.  Gosh, that was the worst week of my life.  I couldn't drive down the street without fighting back tears.  I had to take a different way to work so I didn't have to drive by his old house anymore.

Current Mood: blank

HOLY COW. IT'S STILL HERE.



i totally forgot i had this....



my last entry was written while i was in oregon. i'd flown up there for xmas break so i could spend time with my dad and his side of the family. well, two days after that last entry i went out with some old friends, got drunk at the embassy suites with a bunch of 20-year-old marines (i'd gone to high school with most of them), got my best friend (our dd for the night) in major trouble with her mom (who ended up canceling my best friend's 18th bday party) because we got home at like 4 in the morning, and my boyfriend and i got into the biggest argument of our lives the very next day when i told him all of this.



needless to say, my life has changed somewhat since then. yes, my boyfriend and i are still together (TRHEE YEARS!!!). we moved farther west but it's still considered buckeye. our house is really nice but it's right near a cotton gin and fields so my allergies act up almost all the time, but i like it out here because there aren't many other houses yet. uh, let's see, i started college may 30th (took summer classes just to get ahead) and i'm currently at the end of my fall semester (it ends dec. 11).



for christmas this year, i've decided to stay home with my mom's family and my boyfriend.



my boyfriend left his house because his dad is a big fat asshole. now he's living by himself but will be spending xmas with us since his family (just his dad, actually) won't let him come home. i'm pretty busy these days, hanging out with friends and gonna start work on nov. 7 (i quit subway for good a couple months ago. i will never work w/ food again). i have school every morning but i'm done by 10am. yep, that's my life right now. buuut, it's possible that i may move back to oregon this summer to finish school at portland state. who knows? more on that later.

Current Mood: restless

my new theme song is suds in the bucket by sara evans. it's so true. i don't care if my parents don't like my cowboy of a boyfriend--he's a good christian and he treats me decent. they should be proud. besides, you can't stop love!

i am so tired. i want to watch who's line is it, anyway but some weird movie is on abcfamily instead. so...i will write in my brand new lj. hiiii, dev! hiiii, ber! hiiii, fishie! it's 10pm. what can i talk about at 10pm? i don't function at 10pm. my eyes start to go all squinty and stuff. call me lame if you want to (yes, i'm always the first asleep at parties). umm, right now i'm talking to my dad on instant messenger. we're talking about my sweet sixteen. he's all, Speaking of driving, when are you going to be on the road? and i said this friday. it got all quiet for a minute...then, OH MY GOD!!!! a father's natural reaction to his only daughter getting her license. i should have seen it coming. i calmy told him i was a good driver. kind of. i only stalled at the top of a hill and rolled backwards into a haystack, drove into the wash, hit a cattle guard, and got stuck between two cacti (think austin powers and his golf cart!). okay, it's after 10pm so i'm gonna go...sleep...in my nice bed in front of the fan...with the nice a/c on...and the windows open...because it's still over 100...